A letter to myself.

I can be shallow. I know there are some things I do which make me so. But I have no qualms about it nor any regrets. I know there are many ways in which a person can be shallow. They merely range from the bad to the worse. So why am I shallow? The world made me so. They made me like they are. They filled me with their hollow ideals and their non-existent values. My shallowness is in my vanity. Yours, in accepting me for it.

I could think like this. I would be right. But I've just become frustrated with morality and values. Some things are overrated. Who is anyone to look down upon anyone? Even righteousness has become debatable. Do what you feel like. Do what you want. I'm not dissing morality or values here, they are very important in anyone's life, as in mine too but they are black or white. You can't compromise on morality and rightly so, atleast there's some goddamn thing left which doesn't compromise. You would think I'm being contradicting, maybe I am. But it's high time someone got fed up with bloody morals.

Do what makes you happy, not what makes you look happy in the eyes of the people or according to what they might think you should do. I've been living like this all my life, there is no other way. What can I tell you that you don't already know. There is nothing. I wish you would just look up at life sometimes, life beyond the people. Imagine what you can be.

"But it was only fantasy.
The wall was too high,
As you can see.
No matter how he tried,
He could not break free.
And the worms ate into his brain.

Hey you, standing in the road
Always doing what youre told,
Can you help me?
Hey you, out there in the cold
Getting lonely, feeling old,
Can you help me?
Hey you, dont help them to bury the light
Dont give in without a fight."

23.

"God don't make no promises that He don't keep,
You got some big dreams, baby, but in order to dream you gotta still be asleep.

Counterfeit philosophies have polluted all of your thoughts,
Karl Marx has got ya by the throat, Henry Kissinger's got you tied up in knots.

You got men who can't hold their peace, women who can't control their tongues,
The rich seduce the poor and the old are seduced by the young.

Do you ever wonder just what God requires?,
You think he's just an errand boy to satisfy your wandering desires.

You can't take it with you and you know that it's too worthless to be sold,
They tell you, "Time is money" as if your life was worth its weight in gold.

When you gonna wake up, when you gonna wake up,
When you gonna wake up and strengthen the things that remain? "

Is getting older supposed to be so hard? No, not for the reasons which you're thinking right now in that head of yours. I'm not scared of getting older, I feel scared about the expectations and the changes. I know I should celebrate come saturday but I don't feel the need to. I haven't felt this particular need for nearly five years now. It's just another day. I wish I could leave it at that. But I can't. This day changed so much and every year it will keep changing the person associated with it from his most fundamental being to the outer extremes which people are familiar with. Ok then. No big deal. My mother suggested I should sleep it off, that way maybe the day won't happen. That's why she's been celebrating her 30th birthday for about ten years now. My grandmother finally reached her 40th last year after about twenty years at 39. But who knows, maybe she has a point. If you weren't there, then it didn't happen. So nothing changed. If only.