A New World.

Life sometimes is strangely blessed because nothing ever is simple but I've got an easy ride even though I know sometimes I don't play fair. But I have everything now, I even have you but still, I miss you everyday. It's hard to imagine people changing but they do and you can only believe it once you can achieve it yourself. It's important to change...to evolve...to believe.

Sometimes I wonder that maybe life is not what it seems like and I feel naive because of the things I don't want to understand and blind because of the things I don't want to see. But I also realize that emotions are never wasted. They always leave a lesson behind but we give everyone a chance despite the lessons we learn.

I write with my heart. I love with my heart. But that's not mine. It's been passed among the rich and famous and even among the not so rich and infamous. Many stories have been written about it. But even the heart like the face is overrated.

Hence I thank you for giving me the keys to the door, a door of unparalled beauty behind which lies a whole new world. A world that is innocent and brave and caring. A world where love is what's it supposed to be. Where it's true and not an excuse. I want to explore every corner of this world, hold it till it hurts, to feel this purest of pain.

हसरतें।

हम भी तो आपके दीवाने हैं, बिन तेरे दिल ये कुछ ना माने हैं।
आप तो लाखों दिलों कि धड़कन हो, मेरे भी आपसे याराने हैं।
ना नए आप हो ना हूँ में नया, रिश्ते तेरे मेरे पुराने हैं।
अब मिले हो तो मिलते ही रहना, पहले बिच्द्दे बडे ज़माने हैं।

यह जिनके लिए हैं कभी उन्हें भी कोई समझा दे। तुम्हें उदास सा पाता हूँ में कई दिन से, ना जाने कौन से सदमे उठा रहे हो तुम। छुपा छुपा के खामोशी में अपनी बेचेनी, खुद अपने राज़ कि तस्वीर बन गए हो तुम।

मैं तो अपने देश, अपने लोगो से यहाँ दूर हूँ पर फिर भी जिन्दगी को कौन रोक सकता हैं जिसका काम ही हैं चलना, कभी दूर ले जाना, कभी पास लाना, कभी हसाना, कभी रोलाना। ईस जिन्दगी के लाखों रंगों से जो वाकिफ हैं, सिर्फ उसने ही ने यह दूनिया देखी हैं।

में यहाँ पर तमाम बातें कर सकता हूँ, आप को बता सकता हूँ पर दिल कि बात कोई कैसे बताये। कभी कभी हकीकत और खवाब में ज़्यादा फर्क नहीं होता। जो जैसे दिखता हैं, हमेशा वैसा नहीं होता। सामने तस्वीर होती हैं पर यादों का सिला नहीं होता। में प्यार किस्से करूं, जब किसी से सामना ही नहीं होता।

"From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving
Whatever gods may be
That no man lives forever,
That dead men rise up never,
That even the weariest river
Winds somewhere safe to sea."

At the end.

The hand that caresses is my hand. The fingers are mine. My actions express my meanings better than words. My heart is in my hands. Or. This is my very soul. Sometimes, this is my entire life. You are. You know that, because this is the way it turned out to be, because this is the way you were written to me. Not here by me but up there.

But I remember a lot of things, they've become like pictures, a little blurred they might be but stored with me, where they can't be forgotten but I don't know what to tell myself or you. There are so many things which are meant to be said but they've only made it till my lips and not out. Listen to them someday when you can make the time. Things about whatever was...

Do you ever worry about the distance? I believe in love, not distance and love doesn't mean possesion. Two people can be right next to each other and not be able to make it work. But you know we will. I didn't plan on this, neither did you, but it happend and I feel like the luckiest man because of it, because of you. I know I'm not young anymore and I don't feel like I have the right to be naive because of that. Sometimes I get told it'll be difficult and why make life harder than it already is? But the fact is, looking forward to you, life can't get any easier.

I know one day, maybe years from now, when we both are old, irrespective of whether we're together or not, I would like to ask you this question, are you happy. It would matter, I don't know why even though it should be obvious. I hope your answer would be yes because my answer would depend on that.

I'm taking a big chance I know, I'm not scared. There's so much to lose but even more to gain. I can think about what's the worst that can happen but I could also think about what's the best and quite frankly even the worst would be one of the best things that ever happend to me so I trust and hope that when I ask that question you wouldn't need to think too hard because all you would need to do is remember this amazing journey we seem to be going on and know that we made it.

The Journey

As far as short stories go this might be one of the shortest.
I know it’s been a long time since I wrote anything but there were reasons and they needed time.

So once again life finds you in a situation where you maybe compromised on your dignity and more importantly on your integrity. You compromise now for the same reasons as you did before. You have taken huge steps but they haven’t been enough. You end up at the same place and realize that the steps you took merely led you to the start. But that’s not a trip wasted because you can keep the experiences which teach you to be someone better than you are right now. It’ll take more time to become a man. But at least you’ve started on the journey and the realization is there, that yes, it’s time to grow up.

So maybe I lied. Maybe this won’t be the shortest story ever told. The last few weeks have been a tumultuous journey through hidden emotions, cracked memories, absolute ecstasy and disillusioning sadness. From looking down from the greatest of heights to trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I’ve ended up with quite a few memories not all of which are welcome or wanted. There were people I met who’ll be hard to forget. There were first meetings with unseen joy and second meetings with heartbreaking surprises. There was a merry go round of three people’s emotions where none of them ended up getting what they wanted but were too blind to look the other way, to just turn around and there was what they needed. It was hard to take a back seat and let everything sink in. I’ll take quite sometime to get over these few weeks, to fully appreciate the experiences, to feel some stored joy, learn lessons from the agonies and think about the effect on my life it will have.

One very basic thing we have to realize is that there is a way to treat another human being. There’s a way to treat another person. I know there are a lot of things I did which weren’t right and I have to live with those as the other people who made the same mistakes have to live with theirs but always, in life, what goes around, comes around. There’s no escaping from that, so think about the consequences of your actions and of the things you do. The fact is if we treat someone badly or wrong someone, we can’t be happy and I don’t mean single day happy or I bought a t-shirt happy. I mean happiness which last’s longer, which stays. It’s not possible. Every action has a reaction and it’s ultimately those reactions which add up to someone else’s action for which you would have the reaction. You know when you think why does this keep happening to me? There’s always a reason, you just haven’t figured it out yet but the answers always lies in your actions. When we’re young it’s easy to ignore these things but we won’t be young forever and eventually we won’t be able to get away with it.

On the other hand we also have to realize that people will always treat you like YOU let them treat you and actions will always speak louder than words and at the end if something bad happens, you have to be more mad at yourself than at the other person because you put yourself in that position in the first place. Loving another human being will always bring more sorrow than joy. Anyway if you can think, no, this person is not worth my feeling like shit, then you won’t. The easiest way to get over someone is to meet someone else, but each to his own, a lot of people believe in grieving. But we also have to realize that in life something’s are just meant to happen for a number of different and equally important reasons. Things we might not have any control over. Enjoy while times are good and fight on when it gets a bit harder. In the end everything is measured in moments and their time will pass.

The most important things in a relationship after love is respect and appreciation not to mention honesty and consideration. Without these five ingredients there can never be a happy fulfilling relationship. It took me a long time to realize this. Now I know what to look for but I also know that knowing is not always enough but it’s nearly enough and all that’s left, is to do. There are a few things in life which we shouldn’t compromise on and ultimately knowing what they are might go a long way in helping me complete this journey.

A letter to myself.

I can be shallow. I know there are some things I do which make me so. But I have no qualms about it nor any regrets. I know there are many ways in which a person can be shallow. They merely range from the bad to the worse. So why am I shallow? The world made me so. They made me like they are. They filled me with their hollow ideals and their non-existent values. My shallowness is in my vanity. Yours, in accepting me for it.

I could think like this. I would be right. But I've just become frustrated with morality and values. Some things are overrated. Who is anyone to look down upon anyone? Even righteousness has become debatable. Do what you feel like. Do what you want. I'm not dissing morality or values here, they are very important in anyone's life, as in mine too but they are black or white. You can't compromise on morality and rightly so, atleast there's some goddamn thing left which doesn't compromise. You would think I'm being contradicting, maybe I am. But it's high time someone got fed up with bloody morals.

Do what makes you happy, not what makes you look happy in the eyes of the people or according to what they might think you should do. I've been living like this all my life, there is no other way. What can I tell you that you don't already know. There is nothing. I wish you would just look up at life sometimes, life beyond the people. Imagine what you can be.

"But it was only fantasy.
The wall was too high,
As you can see.
No matter how he tried,
He could not break free.
And the worms ate into his brain.

Hey you, standing in the road
Always doing what youre told,
Can you help me?
Hey you, out there in the cold
Getting lonely, feeling old,
Can you help me?
Hey you, dont help them to bury the light
Dont give in without a fight."

23.

"God don't make no promises that He don't keep,
You got some big dreams, baby, but in order to dream you gotta still be asleep.

Counterfeit philosophies have polluted all of your thoughts,
Karl Marx has got ya by the throat, Henry Kissinger's got you tied up in knots.

You got men who can't hold their peace, women who can't control their tongues,
The rich seduce the poor and the old are seduced by the young.

Do you ever wonder just what God requires?,
You think he's just an errand boy to satisfy your wandering desires.

You can't take it with you and you know that it's too worthless to be sold,
They tell you, "Time is money" as if your life was worth its weight in gold.

When you gonna wake up, when you gonna wake up,
When you gonna wake up and strengthen the things that remain? "

Is getting older supposed to be so hard? No, not for the reasons which you're thinking right now in that head of yours. I'm not scared of getting older, I feel scared about the expectations and the changes. I know I should celebrate come saturday but I don't feel the need to. I haven't felt this particular need for nearly five years now. It's just another day. I wish I could leave it at that. But I can't. This day changed so much and every year it will keep changing the person associated with it from his most fundamental being to the outer extremes which people are familiar with. Ok then. No big deal. My mother suggested I should sleep it off, that way maybe the day won't happen. That's why she's been celebrating her 30th birthday for about ten years now. My grandmother finally reached her 40th last year after about twenty years at 39. But who knows, maybe she has a point. If you weren't there, then it didn't happen. So nothing changed. If only.

Why do you write?

I feel the need to write. There's so much that needs doing but I feel this need is greater. I write often enough but don't feel the need to put it on here cause I'm scared, of revealing too much, of people I haven't even met, understanding me. But then I thought again and realized there's hardly any danger of that happening, so here I am. I can't write about people or places or stories but I can write about life, but even then I feel this lack of experience in anything I write.

Life is constant in it's fundamentality, simple enough to be so complicated, so the journey can't be anticipated even if the destination can. Somehow I wish all of us can reach our destinations eventually even if most of us don't realize when we've passed them by. There's this static point in everyone's life, like this one dimension where things would be as they should be. Maybe that dimension is a fantasy but I beleive it's not even if means asking for a lot. You reach that static point. Then, you need to stay there. I see so many people give this impression of living, making the best out of life rather than what they want their life to be. I'm not an exception. But if I can make that conversion, it's a step toward this static point.

Damn this helplessness. If you're living only another human being can make a difference and that's the way it should be. There's only so much one can fantasize about. But what about the randomness or does everything have it's place in life? Why can't I have lunch at 1 am without people thinking I'm crazy? What about the things you can't place in life? What about the things you can't force in life? Maybe they have a place in someone else's life. Maybe if I wasn't considered rational and expectations were different then I could have had lunch at 1 in the morning without being considered a loony. But I do, even with the expectations. At best they're a load, at worst a heavier one. But things need to belong as much as people do. I can even talk like you, still you won't understand a word I'm saying.

Sometimes.

I have these thoughts, sometimes, that if life could even be spent next to your shadow, it might have some semblance of being complete, this sadness, this fate of a damned life could have been lost in the light of your eyes, but this didn't happen and thus the siutation is that you're not here, neither is the sorrow of your loss nor is your desire, life goes by as if it does not even have the desire of a support. I dream I'm walking on unfamiliar streets without any destinations, there's not a flicker of light, I'm afraid I'll get lost in this darkness, I know this, but still I have these thoughts, sometimes.

I'm only here for a few moments, might be years, but from what matters, it's a moment or two. My words are only here for those moments, my love is only here for those moments, my grief is only here for those moments, I'm young only in those moments. Tomorrow there will be others who'll live for these same moments, write for these moments, where's the difference between me and them. Someone will remember me tomorrow, why will someone remember me tomorrow, this sedulous world doesn't even have the time to waste on anyone.

The faces of these relationships might change but their foundations don't end, and consequently neither do the boundaries, and most importantly, nor the want. It's impossible for me to say what there might be when I can't even tell what's happening now. Give this life a justification, if not a justification, let it be an excuse, for being complete. Complete is important. Be it complete for a moment only, atleast you'll know what it feels like.

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(Work of Ghalib)

Times after.

Why are they here again. Life is full of wonders, be they good or bad. Nobody can face the world with their eyes open all the time. Close them for a while. Will there still be lost shadows or forgotten songs of love. How about long lost memories or broken dreams. So what if they're not now, they were once mine. And that's all that matters. Atleast to me. Where are the fairest of hopes. Where's the meeting place of wants. Those times were colourful. Those melodies I remember. But now the heart asks. Were there such days at all. There's only one thought left. Even though the happiness might have dissapeared. The damn heart is still here. It can never suffer enough. But that's not the end. Given it was a mistake. The pain was pure. But even the sorrows of those mistakes felt like joy.

There are a thousand wishes and each makes you suffer. Many a wish I may have realized, yet I yearn for more. This is who we are. That's how we were made. You and me aren't new, our relations are as old as us. But we are all transitory on a level we don't really understand much about. We can't live forever, we might not be here tomorrow, but we might in the memories of someone but once they die, we do too, again. It's better than dying once. Dying a few times.

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(Work of Khayyam)

The Good Old Man.

Is the best antiquity and which we may with least vanity admire. Like the one whose time has been long a working and like the winter fruit ripened when others may have just fallen down. He has learnt as many lessons of the world as days and learnt the best thing in it, the vanity of it.
He looks over his former self as a danger well past, and would not hazard himself to begin again. His lust was broken long before his body, yet he is glad, this tempation is broke too, and that he is fortified from it by this weakness.

The next door of death doesn't make him sad, he's lived a full life, a life in which he has loved someone with all his heart and was loved in return. He expects death calmly as his turn in nature and fears more his recoiling back to childishness than dust. You must pardon him if he likes his own times better than these, because, those things are follies to him now that were wisdom then.

He goes away at last, too soon whensoever, with all the men's sorrow but his own and his memory fresh when it is twice as old. This is whom I hope I can be when life refuses to be a friend for much longer.