Murrauwat jaisi mohabbat.

Apne jo hum se ishq farmaya,
Aisa zulm kisi ne kiya na hoga.

Pyaar jab nazar aaya to galat samjhe,
Ki wo khushnasib apna bhi kabhi hoga.

Aap kuch faslon pe dikhte hain,
Nikal pade umeed pe ki samna hoga.

Aapse kabhi na hoti mulaqat to acha hota,
Agar dekh sakte ki haal dil ka kya hoga.

Zindagi aapne hamein kyon nahi samjhaya,
Ki umr bhar sirf gham se rishta hoga.

To not remember.

William Shakespeare once said " So dear I love him that with him, all deaths I could endure, without him, live no life". I felt that way once. A very long time ago or so it seems. There was laughter and happiness and much rejoicing. Back then it was easy to play the fool. I was willing. I loved but not at any cost. So it ended. The taste was still fresh, the feeling still there, the smell lingering. But I wouldn't give everything to be so close again, to be across the street or maybe a breath away. I learnt that the hard way. It was not like I didn't fight, to make it work, to understand, to forgive. Yes I did fight, but only with myself. Maybe I should have fought harder or been stronger. I see little pieces strewn across everywhere. But I don't want to look. I don't want to remember. Because to remember is to suffer. To see what was and now what is. The pain will eventually stop but the wound will never heal. It needs to be there. As a constant reminder that love and patience never go unpunished. This mistake, of falling in love, comes at a cost of regret. The only unbearable thing to live with. But the irony is that the regret would still be there if I hadn't made this mistake...

A trip.

When I was younger I used to go with my family in the summer holidays to a hill station. We had a house there, still do but I haven't been back there for nearly ten years now. I used to love the mountains, the pine trees, the fresh air, the cold, the waterfall, the tea gardens...it was an amazing place. Nothing can make you feel as free as the mountains. They give you a different view and I sucked as much as I could in.

Sometimes I feel I need to go back there, to feel that naive again, to reconnect with my childhood. What wouldn't I give to take that walk from snow view to china peak again. There's no better place to run to. To give you the peace, quiet and satisfaction of the loss of responsibilities after accepting the growing need to be away. There are people there too but they are not like us.

I want to take four pairs of clothes and twenty one books. To slide down the ravines and walk the muddy paths again to reach the place no one knows about. To feel the wind crashing into the pines, lying in the dew and keep sucking it in because I don't know when I'll be back here again...

Loss of privilege.

I don't think many people realize that when times get bad, as much as we're running away from something, we are also running towards something else. In this mess of supposed cataclysmic events in our heads, we just concentrate on running away not seeing what we're running towards. It can lead us to something better or something worse. But if you don't know where you want to go, how can you ever get there. I don't know where to go, it doesn't come to me. Sometimes I start walking but the road gives up. What do I look for, where are the signs, even my shadow gives way sometimes and I end up right where I started from, to what I left behind. I couldn't be more grateful.

I'm not afraid of pain or sorrow because I've seen them up close and if that was the lightning then I can smile at the thunder. I built a life based on promises and fell at every step but still learnt to help the fallen. But I've lost the privilege of being sad. If I do, it makes me ungrateful. How dare I be after all that I have. I can feel hurt or bad but not sad. I was once told, long ago, that crying will not help change destiny, that one monologue has kept me from crying since. At least on the outside. Because sometimes we love with nothing more than hope and cry with everything but tears.

He remembers...

He remembers. Everything. Sometimes he hopes he'll forget. That he's felt things that never were. Been to places that don't exist. Imagined a life that never was. But it's alright. Because there are some things he wants to remember. He's hurting but he's not sad. He's not in denial and doesn't blame anyone. He realizes that he can't change what's meant to be. But he tried and that's all anyone can ask of him and he of himself.

He doesn't want to tell anyone about endings. Not where they are now. Maybe drifting along is the best thing that could have happened. To end up somewhere safe. He still feels the same though. He knows about your loss. Just be alright. Being there to make sure is not his choice any longer. Neither is it yours alone. He can't cry on the outside, only on the inside, but even that's selfish because isin't he then not crying for the person that's gone but for himself. If you don't understand that now, you never will. So let him be selfish and cry...and remember...everything.

Who is the third who walks always beside you?
When I count, there are only you and I together
But when I look ahead up the white road
There is always another one walking beside you
Gliding wrapt in a brown mantle, hooded
I do not know whether a man or woman
But who is that on the other side of you?

Now and then.

Love is the start of a story, of a kinship not felt before,
That feeling, so special, is something hard to ignore.

I saw things through and gave words I intended to keep,
I saw the world in that person and beauty more than skin deep.

I saw my oasis or was it an illusion,
I thought it was real and there in lied the delusion.

I accepted it as a part of life and wanted to let go,
But it only gets harder and that's something I know.

People will always treat you like you let them treat you,
If you don't take a stand, it's always you they'll screw.

Even it be painful, I'll always let go,
No matter the regret or how big the blow.

In the end I can bear it all except the pain you give,
I know I deserve better but still, you, I'll forgive.

For all the hurt and the promises you broke,
All you achieved was make love seem like a joke.

I'll always be fine, now and then,
You haven't changed anything and I'll love again.

There are people who care and it's me they'll surround,
And remember in life, what goes around, comes around.

In a while I won't remember, it's one of my flaws,
And I got nothing more to say, especially about whatever was...

East is the road heading from the west.

We all have somehow grabbed a piece to hold onto in this floating world. Now instead of men with ideals and morals like Gandhi and Nehru we have a foreign perversion irrevocably carved into us, marauding us to the west and pleading with us to leave this ingrate culture of the east. No, we are not the ones who are the ingrates. It was said that in the 1970's in post-independent India of student movements, human rights violations and money laundering scandals, you couldn't pick out a clean man even with a telescope the size of a tree. Well, not much has changed since then but still our self image remains more or less intact. It's pathetic.

We were one of the richest countries in the world not so long ago. Well a couple of centuries is not that long really. First came the Afghans, then the Portugese and Dutch and finally the British. You came and repeatedly raped us of everything we had or stood for. Indians and dogs not allowed in the same places as the British. I say give us our damn Kohinoor back which your Queen is hoarding somewhere. It's more important than the integrity you took away from us. Somehow in the middle of this, the Chinese had the time to take the silk route and trade with our merchants and loot the rest of us. But behold, we deserved this, because how many countries did we invade? Not one. That's us in a nutshell. We don't believe anyone is better or worse than us. We don't look down on anyone or look up at anyone. If you have to take advantage of anyone, take advantage of us, we'll stand there smiling.

But is the rest of the East different? It's a well known fact in India not to eat at Chinese restaurants which are not run by the Chinese and ever since Enter The Dragon you don't get in a fight with any of them. They monopolize the Chinese restaurants and Kung Fu psychosis. But one thing we are is ignorant. We still don't know whether Kung Fu came from China, Karate from Japan or badminton from India and we laugh at the North Koreans for being ignorant.

I went to Tokyo last year. I went to find Samurai's, Geisha's and the guys they have in Manga with beautiful hair and flawless skin. To my chagrin I didn't find any, at least none who weren't up for sale. It's amazing that most of the guys I spoke to there had either at one time or another been in adult movies or worked in a slut house. I don't know the polite word for that. I even got told I could get a modeling contract worth two and a half million yen a month. I didn't get very excited considering the guy who told me this was only wearing a thong and serving drinks. But none the less it was an experience not to be scoffed at. In a sense you should feel alone in a city where you don't know what anyone is saying but despite the language barrier I got on fine and it's true, sex doesn't need translation.

Go on, form your opinions, if you haven't already. I might not be a radical but I am uncaring of convention and other's opinions which mostly tend towards describing me as a fantasist, crap boyfriend and a lay about but they don't care as long as I'm laying about in their bed. Damn Hypocrites.

A New World.

Life sometimes is strangely blessed because nothing ever is simple but I've got an easy ride even though I know sometimes I don't play fair. But I have everything now, I even have you but still, I miss you everyday. It's hard to imagine people changing but they do and you can only believe it once you can achieve it yourself. It's important to change...to evolve...to believe.

Sometimes I wonder that maybe life is not what it seems like and I feel naive because of the things I don't want to understand and blind because of the things I don't want to see. But I also realize that emotions are never wasted. They always leave a lesson behind but we give everyone a chance despite the lessons we learn.

I write with my heart. I love with my heart. But that's not mine. It's been passed among the rich and famous and even among the not so rich and infamous. Many stories have been written about it. But even the heart like the face is overrated.

Hence I thank you for giving me the keys to the door, a door of unparalled beauty behind which lies a whole new world. A world that is innocent and brave and caring. A world where love is what's it supposed to be. Where it's true and not an excuse. I want to explore every corner of this world, hold it till it hurts, to feel this purest of pain.

हसरतें।

हम भी तो आपके दीवाने हैं, बिन तेरे दिल ये कुछ ना माने हैं।
आप तो लाखों दिलों कि धड़कन हो, मेरे भी आपसे याराने हैं।
ना नए आप हो ना हूँ में नया, रिश्ते तेरे मेरे पुराने हैं।
अब मिले हो तो मिलते ही रहना, पहले बिच्द्दे बडे ज़माने हैं।

यह जिनके लिए हैं कभी उन्हें भी कोई समझा दे। तुम्हें उदास सा पाता हूँ में कई दिन से, ना जाने कौन से सदमे उठा रहे हो तुम। छुपा छुपा के खामोशी में अपनी बेचेनी, खुद अपने राज़ कि तस्वीर बन गए हो तुम।

मैं तो अपने देश, अपने लोगो से यहाँ दूर हूँ पर फिर भी जिन्दगी को कौन रोक सकता हैं जिसका काम ही हैं चलना, कभी दूर ले जाना, कभी पास लाना, कभी हसाना, कभी रोलाना। ईस जिन्दगी के लाखों रंगों से जो वाकिफ हैं, सिर्फ उसने ही ने यह दूनिया देखी हैं।

में यहाँ पर तमाम बातें कर सकता हूँ, आप को बता सकता हूँ पर दिल कि बात कोई कैसे बताये। कभी कभी हकीकत और खवाब में ज़्यादा फर्क नहीं होता। जो जैसे दिखता हैं, हमेशा वैसा नहीं होता। सामने तस्वीर होती हैं पर यादों का सिला नहीं होता। में प्यार किस्से करूं, जब किसी से सामना ही नहीं होता।

"From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving
Whatever gods may be
That no man lives forever,
That dead men rise up never,
That even the weariest river
Winds somewhere safe to sea."

At the end.

The hand that caresses is my hand. The fingers are mine. My actions express my meanings better than words. My heart is in my hands. Or. This is my very soul. Sometimes, this is my entire life. You are. You know that, because this is the way it turned out to be, because this is the way you were written to me. Not here by me but up there.

But I remember a lot of things, they've become like pictures, a little blurred they might be but stored with me, where they can't be forgotten but I don't know what to tell myself or you. There are so many things which are meant to be said but they've only made it till my lips and not out. Listen to them someday when you can make the time. Things about whatever was...

Do you ever worry about the distance? I believe in love, not distance and love doesn't mean possesion. Two people can be right next to each other and not be able to make it work. But you know we will. I didn't plan on this, neither did you, but it happend and I feel like the luckiest man because of it, because of you. I know I'm not young anymore and I don't feel like I have the right to be naive because of that. Sometimes I get told it'll be difficult and why make life harder than it already is? But the fact is, looking forward to you, life can't get any easier.

I know one day, maybe years from now, when we both are old, irrespective of whether we're together or not, I would like to ask you this question, are you happy. It would matter, I don't know why even though it should be obvious. I hope your answer would be yes because my answer would depend on that.

I'm taking a big chance I know, I'm not scared. There's so much to lose but even more to gain. I can think about what's the worst that can happen but I could also think about what's the best and quite frankly even the worst would be one of the best things that ever happend to me so I trust and hope that when I ask that question you wouldn't need to think too hard because all you would need to do is remember this amazing journey we seem to be going on and know that we made it.