Past and Present...

A day, a moment in that day, you've got it now, it's gone the next, I know i'm not saying anything new but why are so many moments much harder to leave behind than others? Why do we, at times when we are down and disillusioned, remember those particular moments only? Yes, ofcourse those moments are special to us, that's why we look back and sometimes pretend that we are there and then because maybe a few precious moments of pretentious release are better than facing some moments of reality.
Is it the right thing to do though? Is it right to take such indulgence in so ill-disciplined a pleasure? Supposing if we turn it around a little and remember maybe moments we were worse off in than now, when we thought we couldn't go on, when we wanted to run away not knowing from what and to where. Would that help? Would it help in these times thinking about worse siutations we've been in before and have come out stronger from?
I can't really answer that, for me, those pretentious moments in times past, however indulgent it might seem and however guilty I feel later, are what that keeps me going forward...or should I say going back...back to those times and places, I can return because I know the way to the past...I feel lost everywhere else.

Disenchantment...

Disenchantment? The next question would be with what? Life? No, probably not...there's too much happening at the moment to leave room for disenchantment. Then? With my professional life? What exactly is my professional life? University and studies probably...monday to friday...nine to five...couple of days six, no time to even consider a job, not that it is easy to find. But my professional life should be an aspect of my life anyway...
Everything is so routined these days, from getting up at a specific time to finishing class at a specific time, then gym, dinner, study and sleep. Everyday passes like this, bloody routine. I am not one for routine but there seems to be very little room to manouver so the feeling is one of being trapped in my own life, but how's that different from any other person? Even so that shouldn't make one feel better...
Is this disenchantment solely a result of tiredness or hatred of routine? Or is it "a symptom of a more fundamental malaise", a more understandable disease? That maybe being reaching that latitude in life of uncertain winds when one realizes that hopes deferred are maybe no longer realizable, some place's not visited might never be seen and that most importantly this journey, started with such bliss and a feeling of euphoria, might have afterall been a mistake...

About 1857, The First Revolt In India

The first official Indian war of Independence took place in 1857 with the aim of uniting India against the conquering British and also with it a partially succesful attempt to restore power to the last pensioned off Mughal Emperor, Bahadur Shah Zafar II.
He as a man was very unlike his famous predecesors, not being very brave when the time called for it nor was he a general who could organize his soldiers and lead them to battle being very much a poet at heart.

Think about 1856, the Indians working at that time for the British Army faced a lot of social barriers and prejudices which were nearly impossible for them to overcome mainly because of their social status, traditions and their deep beleif in their faith. It was rumoured then that even more additional Indian soldiers were going to be recruited in Burma where they could not follow the rules of their religion. In addition to this a lot of Christian missionary efforts on part of the British among the Indian soldiers was to receive official backing and full support. If Anti-British feeling was not at it's full height now, the next incident by the Britisher's led to the uprising. The British had developed a new type of cartridge which was rumoured to be greased with oil from the fat of animals. For the Hindus, the cow was and still is sacred to them and for it to be used in such a way was an insult to their whole religion and for the Muslims the use of pig fat was repelling enough and also for them to even come in contact with it stood totally against their religion.

The start of the uprising was in Meerut on the 10th of May, 1857, when violence broke out between the Indian soldiers serving the British Army with Mangal Pandey shooting dead his commanding officer for forcing them to use the controversial rifles. The Indian solidiers constituted approximately 290,000 of the 300,000 British Army with the highest positions occupied by the British Generals. Since the number of Indians within the army was so high, the violence against the British quickly spread with all the local deposed prince's joining in hoping to get some of their lost legacies and lands back. Delhi, the capital of India was captured after a bloody battle on the famous ridge of Badli Sari overlooking the city and Bahadur Shah Zafar was proclaimed the Emperor of India. On the 8th of June, a British relief force led by John Nicholson recaptured Delhi after 6 days of street fighting. All of Bahadur Shah Zafar's male relatives were executed including his two sons, to make sure no male heir could lay claim to the throne and the emperor himself was exiled to Burma where he later died in captivity.


The rebellion had also spread to other parts of India and despite having the loyalty of the Sikh troops and the Gurkha's it wasn't until April 1859 that the mutiny was supressed after the capture and execution of the Maratha General Tatya Tope.
I have to also mention Rani Lakshmi Bai, the Rani(Queen) of Jhansi who symbolised the bravery of Indian women and their sacrifices for their country. Without any leader to stand up against the British, the revolt was soon pacified.
I think one of the major reasons for the failure of the revolt was the decision of the Sikh soldiers to remain loyal to the British throughout because they had been captured seven years before by the British with the help of the Indian soldiers and also the fact that the most powerful native empire's remained neutral and would only change their position if the rebellion spread to their parts.




The failure of this uprising sealed India's fate as a British colony for the next 100 years with the British Crown assuming control from the East India Company in August of 1858 and Queen Victoria being pronounced the Empress of India in 1877. India was finally Independent on the 15th of August, 1947.

I will also include the poem (I'm sorry for not transalting it for those who don't know Hindi or Urdu, because I just feel I can't do justice to these beautiful words by transaltating them as I'm not that capable) Bahadur Shah Zafar wrote when he was in a state of exile in Burma knowing his family was all dead and he would never see home again.

"Lagta nahin hain dil mera, ujde dayar mein,
kiski bani hain aan mein, na paayedar mein,
kah do in hasraton sein, kahin aur jaa base,
itni jagah kahan hain, dil zar zar mein,

Umre daraz maang ke, laaye the char din,
do aarzo mein kat gaye, do intezaar mein,
do aarzo mein kat gaye, do intezaar mein,

itna hain badnaseeb Zafar,
dafan ke liye,
do gaz zameen bhi na mili,
kuen yaar mein,

lagta nahin hain dil mera, ujde dayar mein"

Day Dreaming

These days I don’t know what is wrong, I seem to be living in a dream world, I have always I know lived in my own world but these days I just seem to day dream a lot, looking back on how things were and how they are know, sometimes wishing I was back there and then.
I think the thing which is bothering me the most is that I have a dream. Sometimes I wish I did not have a dream, it would make life so much easier to handle because if you have a dream then you just can’t sit back and let go of that dream without even trying, that’s what seems to be happening to me, I don’t want to let go of my dream, I might not be so confident about achieving it as I was earlier but I still think I should give it a shot, that’s what I want to do and be most happy doing. I am sick of living a life where I am always doing things I don’t want to do and making the most of it, I don’t want this phase I am going through to become my life.
I am going to be 22 this November and I just think that it now or never, I want to finish my degree and go give my dream a shot, in life you never know what might happen and I don’t want to be 40 and living a mediocre life and wishing to turn time back, I don’t want to have any regrets and think if only I had given it a shot. There are so many things I want to do in my life, so many places I want to be, so many experiences to live, to feel life, not just let it all go by in a flash as life is now.

Sydney, Is it home?

Everyday i get up, be it late afternoon or early evening, mornings are definately out, i think the same thing almost everytime, what am i doing here? Ofcourse i'm here to study, in a excellent university and all that, but really, what am i doing here?
Sydney for me is a battle, from my room to my classes to the weekend, everything seems a battle, everything is forced. For me it is a little strange, maybe i'm not so culturally adjusting, but even if i was would it be like this? What exactly do i mean by culturally adjusting? Well first of all i don't really get the concept of parties here, invite a hundred people and then everyone buys their own food and drinks? Back home it works a little bit different but i guess when in rome, do as the romans do. There are a lot of cultural concepts like this here which just constantly bewilder me.
I have been in Sydney nearly four years now, why does it never feel like home? Why does it always seem like a passing destination onto somewhere else? Why does it become more alien than friendly every passing day? Why can i never get used to it?

Being Honest About Me

I am 21yrs old. I was born on deepawali night in 1983 in New Delhi, India. I follow Islam. I am a student at UNSW in Sydney, Australia. I study B.Sc with a major in Maths. I went to school in Kanpur, India. I will never forget that time. University has been a stepdown from school. I have no idea about what i am going to do after i graduate. I am still holding on to my dream, not to mention the past. I love my family a lot and there is no me without them. I get very homesick. I love Singapore. I will always cherish the memories i have there and remember the people i met. I can't remember names. I am very good with faces. I never get hurt easily. I don't easily forgive if i do. I am taller than most people. I can appreciate compliments without blowing them up. I can see through most people. Don't ever pity me for anything. I get disillusioned with life at the hardest moments. I am strong. I can pick myself up if i am down. I don't care what people think. You can never please everyone. People will always treat you like you let them. I love to sing in the shower. Reading is my passion. I have read nearly every single day of the past few years. I like movies. I appreciate good music. I love sad songs. I can watch a movie alone. I prefer my own company sometimes. I'm afraid of love. You can't protect yourself against it. Loving another human being very passionately will always cause more pain than joy. People make places. I like the way i look a little too much. I procastinate a lot. I am not afraid of a fight. Life has been easy on me. I wouldn't change anything in the past. I can be a little arrogant. I am mad about Real Madrid. I can watch a soccer match anytime of the night or day. I am very good at cricket. I am not scared of making the first move. I need my own space. I can be very secretive about my life and what i do. That frustrates some people. I am vain. I am very instinctive. I have acted like a bastard many times. I am a happy person. I don't have a lot of baggage. I have no regrets. I care about my friends. I believe in their quality over quantity. I like suits. I dress shabby most of the time. I have issues about what i want in a relationship. I am very confident. I am probably smarter than most people. I can deal with my issues. I will never change for anyone. I always go with outer beauty in people, inner beauty comes a lot later. I don't like people without manners. I get along with most people. Some guys hate me at first sight. I am honest about most things. White lies is a part of life. I run away from unpleasentness. I am a secure person most of the time. I am a bad adviser. I have no sense of direction. I don't make plans in advance. I take each day as it comes. I love my life. As you can see, i also like talking about myself.

That Scream Inside

Doomed and dark,
my moods prevail..
deep and haunting
lusting for that trail..

the trail of that thread
that leads me to you,
the you that was me,
the me that i thought i knew...

i hated that scream
that breathed in me then
but i was strung, strung onto the same,
the same as your claim, that claim to love...

in your bed, holding your hands
i wanted you, you didn’t need me,
you needed your own space
but you did want me…

breathing faster and faster
i shook like a train,
all in vain,
since i felt used again…

i soothed myself since you looked away
didn’t want to cry, but there was no other way
didn’t want you to hate me for taking that wrong turn
but hate you did, which did burn…

hated that scream
that told me you weren’t there,
but you were, waiting outside,
i learnt that you cared…

but was that enough
for me to hold on
i hated that scream
that said you would eventually be gone....

learn, what did i learn,
it wasn’t me that made you wait, but someone else
it hurt inside but i still felt numb
what hurt more was how could i be so dumb…


It’s about a particular moment...that someone hated, but he wishes he was still there, coz its still better than what he has now....wishing he could do it better and more....

You Know You're Indian When...

Your dad is some sort of engineer or doctor.

Your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage."

You know what's going to happen in every Hindi movie before it happens

You're father and grandfathers have hair on their ears

An Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother? Well then, is it your sister?"

Your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both

Your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th grade!!"

You either really, really want to go to NYU or really, really want to stay away from it

"You want a stereo! When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!"

Your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top.

Your family owns a cricket bat, even if you don’t have food to eat.

You buy corn oil by the gallon.

Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head.

You arrive one or two hours late to a party and think it's normal.

Everyone in your family has pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.

You are standing next to the two largest suitcases at the Airport.

You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.

When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin.

Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making long distance calls.

There is a sale on any item, you buy 100 of them.

You have a 'Singer Brother' sewing machine at home.

Your mother has a minor disagreement with her (or your dad's) sister and doesn't talk to her for ten years.

You hide everything from your parents.

Your mother does everything for you if you are male.

You do all the housework and cooking if you are female.

Your relatives alone could populate a small city.

Everyone is a family friend.

You know no one who has studied music.

You went to a university as far away from home as possible.

You still came back home to live with your parents after you had finished.

Your best friend got married at the age of 16.

You like the meat well done.

You eat onions with everything.

You say tomato sauce instead of tomato ketchup.

You say you hate Indian films but secretly watch them with your parents.

You teach Westerners swearwords in your language.

You order Indian food in your own language to impress the people you're with but the waiters don't understand you.

You avoid public places when with a member of the opposite sex, especially if there is an acquaintance within a 250 miles radius.

You always say "open the light" instead of "turn the light on".

You secure your baggage with a rope.

You're walking out of customs with your trolley at the airport and you see all twenty-five members of your family who have come to pick you up.

You go back to your parents' country and people treat you like a member of...the royal family.

You're parents would freak out if your sister wore a crop top baring her midriff...but wearing a sari is perfectly acceptable

Your parents call all your friends "Beta" whether they are Indian or not

Your parent are panicking if you aren't married when you turn 25

Either you really like Indians of the opposite sex or you can't stand them

Your mother measures wealth in gold and diamonds

A horoscope must decide your wedding date

Your parents drink 6 cups of tea a day

You are sick and tired of answering questions about "the dot"

Your friends could not explain your religion to someone if they tried

You could not explain your religion to someone if you tried

You have cousins you have never met, whose names you don't know, but who insist they're related to you, even though they bear NO resemblance to...anyone YOU know.

Your parents push the concept of an arranged marriage on you and try and demonstrate how well it works whenever they're not fighting.

You notice that whenever you go to another Indian's house, your parents always talk about work and business.

The second you pull out of someone's driveway, your parents start talking...about them.

Every few months your parents say when they're moving back to India

No one ever seems to call ahead of time to say they are coming over for a visit.

You're proud to be Indian - and you pass these jokes on to all your Indian friends!

People Issues

10th May
3.37am
Sydney

I’m really scared now that I seriously might be an insomniac, but I think it’s more the fact that I don’t want to sleep rather than can’t sleep. It feels a little weird writing here what I usually use my diary for but now I guess this has to do. I have totally become so nocturnal it’s not funny, but, somehow I prefer it this way than the other way around. Am I running away from people that I don’t wake up early? It is true that somehow I don’t feel the same way that I did before for people in general and I think I prefer my own company to most people and No, it is not arrogance, I don’t know what it is.
All my life I have always done what I wanted to do, always listening to what people had to say but knowing from before what I wanted to do. When I was young it was more like that when I knew I was right I would always do that but now somehow it doesn’t seem to matter what’s wrong and what’s not, I do whatever I feel like, I think in that way I have become selfish but at least when I do something wrong, I know it is wrong, I don’t fool myself in thinking that it is right but as long as I am doing it anyway, does it make any difference?
I just want to figure out for myself why am I avoiding most people?? Why I would rather spend time alone than with them? I honestly don’t have the answers to these questions at the moment and the problem is, even that doesn’t seem to bother me!
The world and people these days have just become mostly money minded and so damn pretentious, I just feel so disillusioned with the people from time to time for some reason.
The one thing which I have sometimes thought about is that do you really have to a great person to make any difference in this world? I think not, it should be the difference you make to someone’s life for the better that makes you great. Everyone has so many problems these days, all are struggling to make life better for themselves or their families, which is ok, they owe themselves that much, but if you can’t, it is also ok. People need to realize that if you have food on your table, clothes to wear to keep you warm from the cold and cover your body and a roof over your head, you are better off than 70% of the people in this world! Is that not something to think about and thank god everyday for the life you have been given? I mean think about it, it could have been a hell of a lot worse!
I’m sure the world and the people in it are not as bad as I have made them seem but seriously the things people have problems and whine over is sometimes very annoying and you want to shake them up to get them to stop talking such bullshit! Everyone has their own set of issues and problems including me and sometimes it seems very big but then that is the time to put it all into perspective and it doesn’t seem that bad.

Holiday Issues

24th June ’05 Sydney
6.34am

It’s Friday morning, I had exams on for the past week and I woke up at 4.30 after going to bed, accidentally I might add, last night at 9, accidentally in the sense that I had not planned on sleeping but just was lying in bed and trying to feel a little bit warmer as it was freezing last night. I have been really tired lately as I have not been getting any sleep.
I just finished speaking to sahil, again accidentally in the sense that we had not finished the conversation and my phone ran out of credit, he is at the airport just waiting to board to go back to India, will miss not having him around for a while. Last night I was supposed to go and meet chacha and chachi because they are leaving this morning as well but it was impossible to go as my head was pounding from lack of sleep, I didn’t get to see sahil as well.
Ayesha is going back as well on the fourth of July, I will try and go this weekend and see zara and her as well, spend some time with them. I’m going to find out the ticket prices today and see what the fair to Singapore is and when can I get the earliest one, maybe I will be leaving with ayesha on the fourth, that would be fun but it would be a waste of nearly 10 days here after I finish my last exam on Monday.
The holidays are nearly here for me, everyone is going back to India, I want to go to India as well but I cannot, I want to see sister but I cannot, I just hope that she is doing well and her health is fine, I know she misses me a lot and I miss her a lot too, she is one of the major reasons along with papa that I do go back to India, but I don’t think I can go to India before late November. I will be really happy if I at least get to go to Singapore, go and see Mama, Rhea and Shiva.
The worst case scenario would be that this lady cannot come to a decision soon enough and I am stuck here for my winter holidays. I really do need a break and see my family again, it hasn’t been a very good three months.